Reflections of a RosyRilli

Secret Diary Post #1, originally written June 28th, 2012.

See the disclaimer here.

June 28, 2012

This post is being written in secret, with my fingers crossed that I don't accidentally hit the Publish button. You've been mistakenly under the impression that I've been neglecting my blog for all the barren space it's been accumulating lately. Or better yet, you probably haven't even noticed because my lack of content has dissuaded you from bothering to check. Regardless, my little pansies, this has not been the case. I am writing under cover, in the hopes of one day providing full disclosure...

It amazes me how much of a negative thing can be spun into a positive, if you look at it the right way. It truly is about the eye of the beholder. You think I'm shy? Nah, that's just me being politely demure. Quiet? That's just me being deeply intellectual without you knowing it. Hah! So, with that explained, my middle name is not Patience. This, one could argue, is a very negative attribute to possess. I, however, will argue that it makes me a do-er. I take action. I make plans. And typically, I accomplish what I set out to complete, like yesterday. This is all good and well except for when it comes to one of life's little nuances...

Babies.

We spend our entire lives trying to avoid the infamous two pink lines on that pee stick, that when you finally get the green light for go, it feels utterly foreign. Most females my age, I've discovered, share a similar fear landscape as myself - What if I can't get pregnant? What if something's wrong with me? The problem, you see, is that you just don't know until you try. And that folks is right where I'm at. Trying. Not doing, mind you. Just trying. It's a really devilish thing to do. This is the period (no pun intended) when you find yourself looking longingly at those who accidentally end up pregnant with awe. If that's not a spin on ironic, than I don't know what is! In all seriousness though, it can be a really frustrating process. 1) I only have 12 20% chances in a year. 2) It really DOES feel like something's wrong if it doesn't happen in the first month. Or the month after. 3) I have waited THIS long and now I have to wait even longer?! I remember being young, very young, and informing my mom that I wanted to start investing in baby gear. This way, I would have an entire chest full of goodies for when the time came to welcome my little bundle of joy into the world. Phew! Glad I didn't waste my money on that one. I don't think they even knew what BPA was in those good ole days. Any who, you get my point. Waiting can be frustrating, especially when you're a Type A like myself. I've already digested every morsel of information I can get my hands on regarding the subject matter and am now a master at differentiating times of the month. Baby books have already been purchased, which brings me to my next point. I'm currently finding great entertainment in reading, "Knocked Up: Confessions of a Hip Mother-to-be."

It's been completely reassuring and humorous to read about someone entirely unlike myself and her approach to pregnancy. It's surprisingly relaxing and so I would, so far, recommend it to anyone who is praying every other two weeks for those two pink lines.

In rememberance.

See the disclaimer here.

I mentioned in the last post that we had shared the news of my first pregnancy with a few people, including our families. Although things didn't work out, for posterity's sake, I'd still like to note how I went about doing so.

At the time, I was so overjoyed that a simple phone call didn't seem quite adequate. Instead, I invited my side of the family over to our house for a small get together and pretended that I'd forgotten to give them a Christmas gift. A tiny box was wrapped and upon opening it, the words "crack me" were written on the underside of the lid. I had blown out an egg, painted the exterior and had inserted a small rolled up piece of paper that, once the egg was cracked, delicately revealed the news that we were expecting. It was the daintiest, cutest way I could think of to announce the news.

Unfortunately I don't have a photograph, but we varied our approach slightly for my husband's family. While visiting, we all went out to a local spot for some pizza and beer. I sensed that they were onto us so I made sure my order also included a tall Miller Lite and then proceeded to pretend to sip it. Oh, the trickster I was! We then offered them a small wrapped box to open as well. Inside this version, we placed two teeny tiny rolled up newborn boy and girl onesies.

It was such a special moment with both families that, although the pregnancy didn't stick, I'll forever cherish.

A loss, originally written February 22nd, 2012.

See the disclaimer here.

February 22, 2012

I dislike emotions. They're too erratic. Unpredictable. Irrational. So, it's true that I try to keep emotions out of my blogging. It sounds kind of odd stating it that way but sometimes posting about only the great parts of life can be a breath of fresh air. It's motivating and inspirational. It also affords a person the the luxury of appreciation. The small things don't go unnoticed. But you know, life isn't all about pretty pictures and DIY projects either. And I do respect the bloggers out there who are real and open and brutally honest. Life isn't always full of sunshiny days. So that's where I am right now. And I kind of think I'm going there. To a more cloudy day.

The truth is I was pregnant. And now I'm not. And it's been a terrible whirlwind of emotions. We didn't find out about the loss until our first prenatal visit. My body was still fighting to keep that pregnancy going even though the embryo had stopped developing. It was a really difficult way to find out. I'm sure bleeding is scary too. I guess there's really no good way. I won't go into the details but, I will say, I have so much more sympathy towards those who have to go through this further along. In that way, we were lucky. I wasn't showing. I hadn't seen a precious baby on the ultrasound and listened to a little heartbeat. I wasn't attached to small kicks in my belly. If anything, I was still trying to grasp the concept that I was carrying a small miracle most days. So in that way, we were lucky. This feels more like a loss of happiness.

There were so many tests last week. Just blindly going through the motions. This week the reality is sinking in. The emotions are showing. Passing the grocery store aisle stocked with diapers and baby food, it hurts. At work, being forced to do things which seem so meaningless, it angers me. Why the people who don't even want babies always seem to be the ones who have normal pregnancies, it confuses me. All of my happy blog posts I wrote in anticipation of sharing our amazing news, how I haven't been able to bring myself to delete them. And I'm utterly sad at the realization that the baby I thought I would be having in September is gone and so is the happiness I was carrying around for weeks. But, this is life. Nothing goes as planned. And all I can do is keep going and look forward to the day that this is behind me. Pregnancy is so surreal. I'm still hopeful. I haven't lost hope.

It's awkward sharing this. Somehow it seems like a secret maybe I shouldn't be sharing. But why? I took such comfort in every single person who had the courage to share similar stories before this experience. My sister asked me if I regretted sharing the news of our pregnancy to the few we told and my answer is absolutely not. Those people, family and close friends, have been such a great support in all of this. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Life isn't hopeless. I'm still hoping for days full of sunshine.

2 days later, originally written January 15th, 2012.

See the disclaimer here.

January 15, 2012

It's slowly starting to sink in. Slowly. I'm pregnant. I haven't actually announced it to anyone, except for hubby of course. This is still our special secret, held closely between just us. And in a way, I like it better like this. Sure, I'm beyond excited to share the news but, for now, this is ours.

The prospect of life changing, in such a a dramatic way, is a little intimidating. It just dawned on me, for instance, that my next drink will be in... nine months. Nine months?! That is a LONG time. And oh my. Summer. Bikinis. I'll be pregnant. Very pregnant. I guess I probably won't be able to attend that wedding in August anymore either if I can't fly. And those Doritos. Probably should be a pass. I went grocery shopping and I don't think I've ever purchased so many fruits and vegetables in one trip. And what do you mean, cold cuts are off limits? What will I eat for lunch?! It's overwhelming. The number of baby names, which I'm frantically trying to digest now, are overwhelming. Overwhelmingly exciting. All of it. The prospect of a nursery. When do you do these things? When is it appropriate to buy baby furniture? Surely not until after the three month mark. All of these new to-do's. I welcome all of them with open arms. Right this moment, all I can see is now. This moment. The future moments, they will come and they will wait. I don't want to think about the unknown. The scary. The unthinkable. The future. Just.this.moment. which belongs only to me. My days are already brighter than ever before. Curious. This revolving life of mine.

What I wrote on January 13th, 2012.

See the disclaimer here.

Friday, January 13, 2012.

It finally happened. I keep staring at those two little pink lines on that test, as if to try and burn it into my brain. To make it feel more real than it does, because it's really quite unbelievable. Although I've been waiting and hoping and praying for this moment, it still somehow feels surreal. I keep carrying that stick around with me, from room to room, as if being near to it will make me closer to the baby inside of me... that has been for weeks now. It's incredible. The entire experience.

So, let me tell you a tale.

Back in September, after 10 straight years of dutifully taking my daily pill, I.. well, we.. decided to end the birth control. I've been whispering in my husband's ear for some time now about babies. It's kind of ironic actually. I was never the babysitter growing up. I wasn't even really a fan of children. To this day, I'm honestly no good at it. I'm not one of those natural types who will playfully whip up your giggling child into her arms. Luckily, neither was my mom and look at her. She turned out fabulously! So I'm hoping this is an okay sign. Not a great one necessarily, but maybe I won't be totally terrible at motherhood. So, anywho.. I remember my coworker once telling me on a mall lunch break about how she reached a certain age and it hit her... hard. The baby crazy. And I remember her telling me how it got worse by the month. And what do you know, it did! Hubs and I have casually been talking about the possibility of one day having children for probably about a year now. Most of the times, it's been fueled by a few choice cocktails. I'll never forget the day he walked into the kitchen and announced that he was ready. He wanted me off the pill. Didn't think it was healthy for my body. And wanted to start trying right then. Me, of course being the person I am, had to research first. I started my multivitamin straight away. And then something happened. He started wavering. And soon, he wanted to wait until the New Year. He had opened that can of worms though. Once I was finally "allowed" to want a baby, it began. I couldn't help myself from looking at nurseries online. I even started stockpiling baby neutral items in our guest room, in anticipation of the day. Besides, why not financially shell out some money now while we've got it? Right? Right.

So fast forward. I felt frustrated when it didn't happen. I worried actually, which is a feeling I'm quite close to most times. I started getting nervous that maybe I would, or he would, have fertility problems. How do you know you can actually get pregnant until you actually do get pregnant? And then I went to that psychic. Well, two actually. And they both told me it would happen. Combine that with the reassurance from my parents, and I finally started to relax. And they saw children in my future. I stopped researching. I stopped keeping track of important dates and symptoms on my calendar. And Voila! What do you know, but a month later, and I'm staring at that beautiful little stick which holds endless possibilities for the future. Don't let this fool you. It didn't feel easy. All of those teenagers and women who get pregnant by mistake, or on the first try, start to sound really lucky after even just a few months. In reality, I actually wasn't planning on taking the test until tomorrow morning. My official "day after". But once I had made my purchase, I was too anxious to wait. And really, I was quite sure it would be just like all the other times. One line dashed with a little bit of heartbreak. For some reason, I decided to hold this test in my hand and watch the shades of pink change. And let me tell you, when I first spotted that faint second line, I thought there was a glimmer of hope. Was I imagining it? Forcing it into existence? And as I watched it become increasingly darker, I was dumbfounded. Awe struck. Was this really happening?! Tonight??? I sat and stared for a few minutes, as I'm sure is par for the course with these things. And then I did the only thing I could think to do. I prettied myself up in anticipation of sharing the news with hubby. And I shakily, and nervously, and almost-not-able-to-think-ily, wrote Kenneth a love note on a card I had purchased months before. I didn't have a grand plan on how to tell him. I only knew I wanted it to be special. Luckily, it wasn't too hard to set the stage. He had music playing. I grabbed the candle. He grabbed the chairs and beer (for him, not me :). And after he spoke about all of the great changes happening in his life, with work and the possibility of traveling, I timidly handed him that card. I'll never forget his reaction. It was perfect beyond words. That smile from ear to ear as he drew out the card and saw the little picture of a baby carriage. The searching eyes as they met mine. And then that pure happiness that you can actually see beaming off of someone. It's so rare. And such a special moment. We will never get back that moment. No matter what happens from here on out. No matter what roads lie ahead of us. I'll never forget that moment between us. There never is a first again.

Backtracking.

Disclaimer: This blog is about to take a turn down memory lane. There are quite a handful of written words that I wrote in the past but never had the courage to post. I think the time has finally come to share them. Though our road has been a bumpy one, I hope my story can provide hope to anyone who is or knows someone who may be suffering through infertility or loss. This story ultimately has a happy ending. I promise.

Sun, sweet tea and a good book.

The last two afternoons have been like a magic oasis of sunshine and warmth. Both days, I've rushed home and have headed straight for our backyard with some sweet tea and lemon, my puppster, and a library book in hand. It's been blissful. The sun rays are my daily dose of medicine and I've been yearning for as much vitamin D as possible, somehow just knowing that soaking it up will clear away all that built up winter malaise.

On the other more dreary days, I've kept myself satisfied stocking up on self tanner, a new purse (I think my last purchase was over two years ago. I kid you not) and trying to find affordable sundresses. I've decided this will be my summer of the dress. I've vowed to wear one each and every weekend. Forgotten will be the shorts and my discomfort at wondering whether they're too short or if my legs look firm enough to pull them off. Bring forth the flowy, the preppy and the pretty frocks that I will don instead!

Oh, and I've of course been trying to scrub off the winter grime and expose the green tint to my thumb again. Seeds have sprouted and daily nurturing has commenced. I've planted my usual - organic parsley (mainly because I found an adorable, rustic pot from TJ Maxx a few years back with the words parsley carved into it). But this year I've also been trying my hand at container tomatoes (organic as well, naturally) and some dancing cosmos. I also tossed in some English Daisies for good measure. I've stayed simple in my planting. No heat mats or special lamps required. The real excitement comes, however, when all of our local nurseries start overflowing with beautiful flowers and plants ripe for the picking.

Isn't this time of the year just the best?!